It’s a sexy comedy drama TV series. The show focuses on an outspoken and high-achieving surgeon who is this beautiful woman in a field dominated by men. Bold and stubborn, she does things on her own terms and typically pushes the boundaries of medical science.
I typically DVR everything and am always weeks behind. It takes a week to get just one full episode in with our schedules right now but that is OK. There was this episode that stuck with me and for whatever reason it made me pause the scene, rewind and hit play. I did this about three times. I thought of Cody. I thought of our fight. I thought of Cody and our fight TOGETHER. I even found myself making note of what this patient told his doctor in my iPhone to refer back too. If you have 4 minutes, watch this episode, Backwards. Watch between 21:57 and 26:00 minutes to get the true experience but I will also describe this moment for you.
The doctor was working with a patient who could only speak backwards but could understand how to write normal. When he would read, the words would come our backwards due to a brain injury from a car accident as a child. The doctor wanted to perform a risky surgery to allow him to be able to speak normal but it might not work and could be life threatening. The grandmother did not want to give him more false hope and to accept his speech impairment and move on with his life. He watched the doctor talk to the grandmother and then to another doctor. When the doctor came back into the patients room, he picked up his iPad and started typing.
The patient hands her the IPad and she reads out loud,“I watch people talk to each other my whole life. I keep silent, I sit in a crowded room, I am alone. To talk is a gift, to tell someone how you feel is a miracle, I don’t want to be alone anymore. I want what you have. Together we do this.”
The doctor looked up at him and spoke the way he speaks and said, “Together – this do we.” (Together, we do this.)
My heart was sad. I kept thinking does Cody feel this silence too? Does he sit back knowing what we all are saying and feel lonely because he can’t express himself? Does he feel trapped in his own head? Does he get frustrated and instead of fight, just give up? When I make his meals, does he look at the jello and wish he had orange instead of red? When he wears a pair of socks that I notice at the end of the day have left a small red mark around his ankles, does he just tolerate them or have they been bugging him most of the day? Most of the time I can read his eyes and expressions to help with his needs but this does not help to understand his true emotions and feelings.
These are thoughts that go through my mind daily and you may see me struggle at times, but you’ll never see me quit. I will never lose hope that Cody will be able to speak in whatever form it may be. To talk is a gift, to tell some how you feel is a true miracle and I believe he will be able to do this one day.
Autism has taught me that love can give you the strength to weather any storm.
On a happy note and speaking of storms, Sunday evening Cameron invited a friend to the house for dinner and asked her “baseball style” to the 8th grade formal. She said yes! Let this fun new chapter begin too!